Adolescent Years
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Changing Parenting Skills for Adolescence
1. Parenting DOES matter during adolescence.
·Teenagers need parenting based on:
BONDING (knowing teen is loved)
MONITORING (knowing teen has supervision and accountability).
·Offer STRUCTURE and FLEXIBILITY.
·Say NO only when absolutely necessary.
2. ADOLESCENT'S TASK: to separate and establish a sense of self-identity..
·ENABLE rather than THWART that task.
·Allow SPACE and FREEDOM to:
pull away
express individuality
gain confidence in their new definitions
3. PARENT'S TASK: to work yourself out of a job!
·That gives both parents and children independence.
4. See children as gifts, not possessions.
·We don't own them. They are "on loan" to raise and let go.
·Their purpose is to please God, not us.
·Do not define or confine them with your expectations.
5. See them as separate individuals.
·We are responsible to guide as God commands, but we are not responsible for their responses.
·We are responsible for the parenting, not the results.
6. See them as unique, unrepeatable images of God.
·Know, respect, and nurture the uniqueness of each child.
·Encourage them to be the person God created them to be.
7. Love them unconditionally.
·No matter what they look like; no matter what decisions they make.
·Care for them in a way that looks out for their best interests - state your beliefs and values, and live by them.
8. Empower them through the orderly transfer of control and responsibility.
·CONTROL - having power over another, using force and threats
·EMPOWER - intentional process of building child up and enabling them to have control over self
1) teach HOW to think, not WHAT to think
2) allow them to make mistakes and face the consequences
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Seven Steps to Maturity
Gaining self-control is the cornerstone of maturity.
Self-control is defined as "restraint exercised over one's own impulses, emotions, or desires."
It involves learning the following skills: accepting responsibility, following rules, learning to tame anger,
developing patience, tolerating frustration, and delaying gratification.
Step 1 - Accepting Responsibility
·learning standards they are expected to live up to, limits they must observe, and responsibilities to be fulfilled
·children must face consequences of their behavior
Step 2 - Sticking to a Schedule
·parents can help by blocking out, in writing, hours for specific obligations
·limit television viewing - no TV in bedroom
Step 3 - Listening to Directions
·play "statue" - have child sit still for as long as possible without moving, work on increasing the time
·have child follow silly commands, like "Simon Says"
·have child repeat instructions you give to them
Step 4 - Abiding by the Rules
·merge "school rules" with "home rules" for continuity in learning, sense of order, respect for rules
Step 5 - Taming Angry Feelings
·teach child a "TO DO" not a "DON"T DO"
·take a deep breath and count to ten
·to say "It makes me angry when you do that."
·set a good example - stay calm and firm
·give attention for good behavior, not misbehavior
Step 6 - Patience Takes Practice
·stay with the child while he tackles a task
·encourage to reinforce perseverance
·if child becomes frustrated - teach them to cope with the feelings
·role play behaviors and consequences
Step 7 - Delaying Gratification
·teach child to think ahead
·distract from persistent requests, put off satisfaction
·teach them to save up for what they want
BE A ROLE MODEL OF MATURITY AND SELF-CONTROL. DO NOT EXPECT MORE OF YOUR CHILDREN THAN YOU DO OF YOURSELF.
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Parents' Goals During Adolescence
(from Give Them Wings by Carol Kuykendall)
1. I will change (behavior, perceptions, priorities) - be open.
2. I do not always need to be right - allow for differences of opinion.
·"Only God is always right, I merely have an opinion."
3. I will be patient - don't jump to conclusions.
4. I will not let my ego get tangled up in their accomplishments.
5. I will recognize their separateness.
·I MUST let them live their own lives.
·I can offer advice, but I cannot control their choices.
6. I will not let my fears determine their choices.
·Worrying shows a lack of trust in God's sovereignty and diminishes my faith.
·God has a plan for their lives that transcends today's circumstances.
·Worry is counterproductive to building their self-confidence.
7. I will not over-rescue.
·The lesson is in the struggle.
·Don't buy cheap short-term benefits at the expense of long-term lessons.
8. I will not manipulate by guilt.
·This is a dishonest way to express my feelings, solve problems, or achieve results.
9. I will not nag.
·Get adolescents used to hearing a voice from inside, rather than a voice from outside.
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UNDERSTANDING YOUR TEEN
In order to build a family foundation of trust, parents must try to understand who their children are. This is NOT infused knowledge. It takes effort and study.
Inappropriate expectations of a child's behavior lead to parent-child conflict. Many times you overhear parents telling a child, "ACT YOUR AGE!" Often that is exactly what they are doing!
Knowing something about child development through having a comprehensive resource book available helps eliminate such conflicts. (American Academy of Pediatrics publishes a book: "Caring for Your Adolescent").
Once you UNDERSTAND their developmental level, you can work on creative strategies for dealing with behavior issues, such as discipline. (American Guidance Service publishes the Systematic Training for Effective Parenting - "Parenting Teenagers").
Another area to take into consideration is personality. Not everyone is exactly the same. We were created unique, unrepeatable images of God. Develop appreciation of each person's unique personality. Encourage their strengths, minimize their weaknesses. DO NOT try to make them into YOUR image! If time and interest permit, have each family member take a shortened Myers/Briggs personality inventory and compare results. ("Please Understand Me" by Keirsey/Bates contains such an inventory).
Family placement is often cited for personality and psychological traits. Whether a child is oldest, youngest, middle, or only does seen to have some bearing on attitude (an excellent resource to learn more about this area is "The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are") .
Parents think they are raising each child the same, but they must understand that as each child joins the family, parents are in a different place in their own lives, so it is IMPOSSIBLE to parent each child identically. Parent and child are journeying together! The more you learn about each other, the more pleasant the journey can be!
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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS
Giving OF Self Is Really Giving TO Self
by Marilyn Spaw Krock
One Christmas season, I decided to take my own advice about community service! My husband, daughter, and I helped with the Adopt-A-Family Program. It remains a cherished memory of the Christmas season.
One Saturday we spent filling food boxes, sorting sundries, and wrapping gifts. Seeing so many people giving of their very precious pre-Christmas time was inspiring. Everyone was in such good humor, laughing and joking. Time flew by, the work was completed joyfully, and strangers became friends.
Many teenagers were helping as part of their Christian service project for Confirmation programs or Catholic high school requirement (my daughter included). They may have been coerced into action, but they wanted to come back and help more. You just felt good knowing you were doing something for people in need. (I kept that thought in mind the next few days when every muscle in my body ached!)
The following week we returned to distribute the goods that were prepared through the generosity of so many donations. My best friend came with us as she is fluent in Spanish. She was a blessing as we traveled around the streets of downtown Los Angeles finding "our families."
Poverty does have a face and it is not always pleasant to see. The smiles and love that came from the families made you want to take them home with you and share your blessings. They have so little, we have so much. Our children witnessed life.
By the end of the day those who participated in the distribution had a deepened appreciation of God's blessings in their lives. What we need to remember is that the poor need our help all year long. The food boxes we distributed will only last a few days. What then! Christmas giving must continue throughout the year.
Ever since my sons attended Loyola High School, where Christian service was a requirement, I have witnessed for the benefits of getting our Catholic youth involved in helping others. My sons had to find service opportunities that fulfilled specific requirements and I watched them grow through giving. Kevin visited a retirement home at one point and helped a blind, retired Sister with correspondence each week. He learned so much in many ways. Joseph spent time helping at a school for children with disabilities. The administrator put him with adolescents. At first he was totally frustrated, but he came to love the kids. Through my daughter's school, St. Joseph High School, we became involved in a service project with the Missionaries of Charity, Mother Theresa's order.
During the Christmas holidays, service opportunities abound. Volunteer as a family to help those in need. The rewards of service will remain with you - they are "out of this world"!
BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS
"Whose Birthday Is It, Anyway?"
by Marilyn Spaw Krock
In reviewing resource material on Christmas for ideas to share, I came across my file of material from a terrific organization, Alternatives (www.SimpleLiving.org). A non-profit organization, in existence since 1973, they provide "resources for responsible living and celebrating." I became acquainted with Alternatives in 1981 through my involvement with an ecumenical group in my area which sponsors an annual Hunger Walk.
Protesting the commercialization of Christmas, Alternatives focuses on "encouraging celebrations that reflect conscientious ways of living. It is important to restore moderation and perspective to celebrations that are often self-indulgent." Some questions Alternatives poses for Advent reflection:
*Is Christmas a time of spiritual renewal for you?
*Which receives the most attention in your household at Christmas, the "advent" of Santa Claus or of Jesus Christ?
*Do you feel pressured at Christmas to do things and spend in ways that do not honor the birth of Christ?
*Are you comfortable with the gift-giving patterns of your family? Does your spending for Christmas reflect your faith?
*The Gospels say that Christ's coming was "good news to the poor." Are your celebrations of His coming also "good news to the poor?"
*Santa is supposed to bring gifts to those who are good and not to those who are bad. What do you think that says to children who are too poor to get Christmas presents?
*Do you find it ironic that some of the most popular gifts to children at the celebration of the birth of the Prince of Peace are toys promoting violence?
*Three-fourths of advertising dollars are spent in the last quarter of the year. Does all that advertising influence the way you celebrate Christmas?
Children are impressionable. They learn more by what we
do and how we act than by what we say. They possess a natural concern for
others and the world that requires nurturing. My young nephew asked his
mother if they knew any poor people. Someone at kindergarten told him poor
people lived "a hundred miles away." She assured him that poor
people live all around. Then he wanted to know their names and help them!
This is what we call a "teachable moment."
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