Intermediate Years
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Twelve Tips for Getting Children to Mind
1. Listen and Understand - acknowledge their feelings as real and valid, then state your position
2. Give reasons for your request - it is easier to obey when they understand the reasons behind the request
3. Tell children ahead of time that you are about to ask them to do something - that way they have been warned.
4. Get their full attention - have them look directly at you while you make the request, not looking at television.
5. Give instructions clearly, simply, one at a time.
6. Have child repeat the request to you- insures that they DID indeed hear the request.
7. Speak slowly and calmly - remember the three "F" words of parenting - FIRM, FAIR, & FRIENDLY (drives kids crazy!)
8. Give young children some practice in fulfilling the request - rehearse the task to be performed.
9. Look for tradeoffs - table set before TV show or after.
10. Encourage structured activities such as sports, lessons, and scouts - they learn to follow rules and interact with others.
11. Review the rules for upcoming situations, i.e. visit with Grandma, going to market or mall, doctor visit.
12. Allow unpleasant consequences to occur if they won't actually harm your child, i.e. by not putting clothes in hamper their favorite
shirt isn't available to wear; by not being on time to the table, their dinner is cold.
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Five Signs You Are A Pushover Parent
1. It takes longer to explain what you want done than to do it. (Keep explanations short, simple, and firm.)
2. You feel that in parenting skills you would barely get a passing grade. (Improve your skills by educating yourself.)
3. You don't believe children should be bogged down with chores - let them be kids. (As members of the family, they need responsibilities.)
4. At day's end you are tired, less strict, don't want to fight. (Set up a routine and stick with it - consistency.)
5. Your parents were overly strict and you don't want to be like them. (You may be going overboard in the opposite direction.)
How to Change Your Ways
1. Figure out what you are afraid of, i.e. losing child's love. Be authoritative - tell, don't ask child to do something.
2. Brainstorm critical rules and expectations. Decide which are CRITICAL and which are NEGOTIABLE.
3. Stop negotiating with your child on CRITICAL matters. It undermines your authority.
4. Expect kids to be angry. No one likes disciplining, but children MUST learn that life is filled with LIMITS.
5. Decide ahead of time on consequences that you are prepared to enforce.
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Common Sibling "Hot Buttons"
1. MIMICKING
·too much togetherness
·need privacy and space
·must learn to entertain themselves
2. SHARING
·younger children lack self-control
·not realistic to expect child to share prized possession
·model "sharing" behaviors in all aspects of family life
·allow children to put away items they'd rather not share
3. PLAYING TOGETHER
·occurs often when a friend is visiting, or there are three children playing together
·parent could spend time with child who feels left out
·suggest fun activity all children can do together
4. YOU LIKE OTHER CHILD MORE
·manipulation is usually going on
·parent may relate better to one child than another, but child should never sense the scale of parental love is tipped in favor of one sibling
·review your behavior and attitude
·be sensitive to each child's personality and ability
5. MALICIOUS TAUNTING AND TEASING
·comes from extreme desire for parental attention
·displaced anger (kick the dog theory)
·insecurity
·consider how the child doing the teasing feels about himself, may require professional help if chronic problem
6. HITTING
·physical violence should NEVER be tolerated
·deal with it swiftly and firmly, but NOT with further physical punishment
(that perpetuates the belief that violence is a good way to handle disputes)
·don't try to find out "Who started it?"- give them cooling off period
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TEACHING CHILDREN RESPECT
Webster defines respect as:
to notice with special attention
to view, treat, or consider with some degree of reverence, deference, or courtesy
consideration, courteous regard
Before we can respect others, we must respect ourselves.
This means taking care of our bodies and minds.
Avoiding substance abuse, overwork, over commitment, excesses or neglect of exercise; healthy nutrition and rest habits;
and, spending some time each day with God all contribute to our wellbeing, so we can care about others.
Strong self-esteem helps us show respect to others.
Showing respect should start at HOME.
This is where children learn values. They are constantly watching and listening to parents and other adults to see how to behave.
WHAT YOU DO SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WHAT YOU SAY!
How adult family members treat each other will be mirrored in children's behavior. Spouses respectful attitudes to one another will influence children's future relationships with their spouses. How grandparents and extended family members are treated will probably come back to you someday. Be careful!
Children learn how to be a friend from watching adult friendships. Having friends is critical to a child's development. Help them learn to be a friend by showing care, concern, and compassion. Treat your children as nicely as you treat your friends!
Teach children to show respect to others through good manners; respect for authority in the community and school; understanding the rights of others, including property rights; and, respecting God's creation through care of our world and the environment.
EFFECTIVELY ACCOMPLISH ALL THIS BY BEING A GOOD ROLE MODEL!
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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS
Establish Traditions by Sharing Time and Stories
by Marilyn Spaw Krock
To young children, love is spelled T-I-M-E. During the Christmas season of love, this commodity, time, seems to be in very short supply. As we quickly approach the "Big Day," toward which so much time and energy has been focused, SLOW DOWN! Remember what we are celebrating - God's gift of love - Jesus' birth.
As we get caught up in preparations, it is easy to lose perspective. Suddenly priorities are out of order and we feel drained, exhausted, depressed. If this is happening in your life, STOP, reexamine activities left to be accomplished.
Evaluate the necessity of the activity. Is the result worth the cost in time, energy, money, or stress? Who would be affected if you skipped the activity? Who would benefit from using resources in a different way? How would Jesus like his birth to be commemorated?
All the gifts in the world are not as important to young children as loving time spent with parents and family. In the furor of gift opening, children discard one item after another, searching for more to open. When the end of gifting comes, the all too familiar complaint starts, "Is that all there is?"
Parents often feel disappointed on Christmas morning that children are not more excited and appreciative. The reality of Christmas never can match up to the hype and anticipation generated by media merchants promoting "BUY HAPPINESS."
The hours spent shopping, searching, choosing, wrapping, and hiding gifts might be more profitably used in spending time with children. Doing holiday activities together creates traditions that will remain in children's memories forever.
Explore a park; pick up cones and seed pods; glue them on a circle of cardboard; decorate with glitter and a bow. Children will proudly display their decoration, or they may give it as a gift to someone special. If possible, drive to the mountains for a day; play in the snow; collect pine cones; enjoy being a family.
Take a winter trip to the beach; search for shells that have washed ashore. Take along a kite, some sandwiches, and a thermos of hot chocolate. Have a winter picnic. Shells can be washed, polished with clear nail polish, sprinkled with glitter, and hung on the family Christmas tree. Each year the family can relive the memory.
An evening drive around town looking at Christmas lights is memorable, especially if you research where special displays are located. Local newspapers have listings. Park the car and walk slowly with the children so they can really appreciate the decorations. Top the evening off with a stop for dessert.
Another holiday activity that provide an opportunity to share family stories and traditions is trimming the Christmas tree. Children love to help. It should be their tree, too, so put aside perfectionism and let them be creative. Share the stories behind the ornaments being hung. We obtained one ornament each year for each child. The ornaments are labeled and dated, each with a special story to tell.
Christmas cards are a wonderful way to stay in touch with friends and relatives, but children often are not included in this tradition. Each evening, perhaps at dinner, pass around the Christmas cards that arrived that day. Enjoy the pictures and verses, then tell something about the sender. Make friends and relatives come alive. Pass around any family pictures that are included. This helps children appreciate extended family and lasting friendships.
In addition to reading Christmas stories as a family, listening to Christmas music, or watching Christmas specials on television, spend some time talking with and listening to children. Encourage them to express their feelings during this Christmas season. Play a game of "If I won the Lottery I would get you....." or "If I had a magic wish, I would wish for you........." Remind them that it is the thought that counts.
Discuss the importance of having each other, being a family, and sharing
love. That was the message Jesus brought to earth. Thank you, God, for this
special time of family love.
BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS
Christmas Time is Family Time
by Marilyn Spaw Krock
Christmas makes people nostalgic. It's the perfect time to help children appreciate the love that exists in all kinds of families. God has created families as a place where new life can be nurtured and developed to the fullest potential. Some families are small, maybe only mother and child. Some families include lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.
Children need to know about their family's history in order to appreciate who they are, and where they came from. Christmas is a great time to get out old family movies, have a slide show, or reminisce through old photo albums. Tell the stories! Throw in a "God-message" once in a while by giving thanks for relatives.
Sometimes families are comprised of more than "blood relations." Family can be the friends that are with you through good times, and bad; the people you laugh, and cry, with; those you turn to in times of need, and times of joyful celebration. Thank God for all these people, too.
Often we refer to our "parish family." God created the church to bring us together as brothers and sisters. Jesus taught us that God wants us to love one another. We honor God by the way we treat one another. Are we reaching out to others as family? Children learn more by example than by words. Are we showing them that we treat others with kindness and respect? Do we help those in need of our emotional and material support?
Young children have a natural tendency to love and help. In the early years this capacity must be nurtured and stimulated, or it will be replaced with egocentrism. Find loving things that you can do together for others. With proper support and encouragement the "tendency" to do good can become a lifelong character trait. As my wall plaque says, "Who you are is God's gift to you. Who you become is your gift to God!"
A terrific gift for a child is an inexpensive scrapbook and a glue stick with which they can create a book about themselves! Most of us have boxes of unsorted pictures, waiting for some future time when we will miraculously have "nothing else" to do! Have a family photo night. During the holidays, devote one evening to looking at the pictures, and giving them to the appropriate family member to put in their book. Don't be too concerned about the chronological order. When the children are older, they can straighten out the years! If you are short on pictures, grandparents probably have "several" they would be willing to contribute to the project!
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