Parents' Relationship
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Sexual Stages of a Marriage
Stage 1 - Early Years: Honeymoon Haven
She's lusty and romantic.
He's always ready for action.
Pre-baby couples can be passionate and spontaneous.
Not all perfect - he may be too quick/she doesn't know how to tell him what pleasures her.
Stage 2 - Baby Makes Three
She wants rest more than romance.
He misses spontaneous sex.
Physical changes take place in the woman.
Emotional adjustments for both parents.
Her new role is demanding and consuming.
He may be jealous of the attention the baby gets.
Create an atmosphere for intimacy and sex may follow.
Stage 3 - School Age Kids: Demands High, Desire Low
She's torn: passion, kids, career.
He's pulled too many ways.
Romance is last item on the "To Do" list.
However - while kids away, parents can play.
Get lock for bedroom door - make rule - "Do Not Disturb"!
Stage 4 - Teens in the House: A Sexy Silver Lining
She feels sexier than ever before.
He takes more pleasure in foreplay.
Parents can take solace in each other through the ups and downs of parenting teens!
Teens need to have role model of healthy sexuality in their parents.
Stage 5 - Kids Are Grown: Empty Nest=Love Nest
She savors their deeper passion.
He seeks greater intimacy.
Sex may be calmer, but the passion is deeper.
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Growth Through Conflict:
Fighting By The Rules
[MOST FIGHTS ARE ABOUT WANTING TO BE HEARD]
1. STICK TO THE SUBJECT - What is the subject? Determine this.
Resolve one issue at a time.
Don't dump all the hurts of the past.
Anything older than 48 hours is HISTORY!
2. VALIDATE ONE ANOTHER'S OPINION - Listen to what is said.
Show respect.
Be fair.
Don't take other frustrations out on spouse.
3. WATCH YOUR MOUTH - Would you talk to a friend this way?
Don't use vile language.
"Sarcasm" means "to tear apart flesh" - beware!
4. TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS - You can't know motives.
Use "your behavior/my feelings" discussion.
Listen for the deeper issue.
Anger is secondary, look for hurt, fear, frustration.
5. DON'T PLAY THE RIGHT/WRONG GAME- Always is a loser.
Look for the win/win solution.
Propose a compromise.
Be generous - give something to the other.
Finish what you start, don't leave it smoldering.
6. HOLD HANDS WHILE FIGHTING - It keeps things in perspective.
Lovers' Quotient Test
(from Holding On To Romance by H. N. Wright)
IF YOU DID THE FOLLOWING THIS YEAR, PUT A CHECK FOR YES:
____Have you phoned your spouse just to say "I love you"?
____Have you set up a "mystery date" for your spouse?
____Have you taken responsibility for the children's bedtime routine so your spouse could relax?
____Have you gone out for coffee and conversation with your spouse, even for half an hour? (NO CHILDREN)
____Have you drawn your wife a candle lit bath?
____Have you written a love letter to your spouse and mailed it?
____Have you written down all the reasons you love your spouse?
____Have you spent an entire evening discussing family goals and objectives?
____Have you ever planned a surprise weekend, including arrangements for child care?
____Have you picked up your clothes and put them in the hamper or on a hanger this week?
____Have you repaired something around the house without being asked?
____Have you kissed passionately before leaving for work or on coming home this week?
____Have you brought your spouse an unexpected little gift this month?
SCORE YOURSELF 10 POINTS FOR EACH CHECK MARK.
100-130 Excellent Lover
60 - 80 Average Lover
0 - 30 Klutz
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Myths About Marriage
Myth #1 - You can't change your spouse.
Truth: You can help them change with their cooperation.
Myth #2 - Marriage is a 50-50 proposition.
Truth: It needs to be at least 70-30, sometimes 90-10 (for both parties)!
Myth #3 - Getting away from in-laws helps a marriage.
Truth: Most times family connections are a source of joy.
Myth #4 - Spouses should be completely open with one another.
Truth: Honesty should be tempered with kindness. Don't hurt other's feelings with a passing emotional outburst.
Myth #5 - In conflict you should let it all hang out.
Truth: Calm down, discuss the situation, work out compromises.
Myth #6 - Good sex is essential for a good marriage.
Truth: Good sex is important, BUT there needs to be more in common than JUST sex!
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Making Your Marriage Work
Success is not a destination, it is the journey.
GROW UP BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED - living together before marriage does not improve success
KEEP TALKING - work on communication skills
MARRIAGE IS A UNION OF EQUALS - face life as friends
TREASURE YOUR SPOUSE - they are giving you their life
TAKE TIME/MAKE TIME FOR TLC - control TV viewing
GO ON WALKS TOGETHER
NEVER STOP COURTING
HAVE A STANDING DATE NIGHT
EXCHANGE BABYSITTING - with other desperate couples
BE COMMITTED TO YOUR MARRIAGE - divorce is not in your vocabulary
REALIZE MARRIAGE IS A PROCESS - it is always changing
KEEP PRAYING - share a religious faith
LAUGH A LOT - BE SILLY
LEARN AND PRACTICE CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS
FORGIVE EACH OTHER
YOU MUST WANT TO BE MARRIED - more than you want to be right!!
TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
LOVING SEXUAL INTIMACY IS A NECESSITY - it binds and renews the marriage; it is a grace-filled witness of God's love for us
HEALTHY MARRIAGE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT HAPPY SEXUAL ADJUSTMENT
REMAIN HEALTHY AS INDIVIDUALS - have time apart
GET HELP IF NEEDED - tune up your marriage
LISTEN TO ADVICE WITH OPENNESS
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Guidelines for Making Your Marriage Work
1. Enjoy being married.
2. Don't be afraid to trust each other.
3. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
4. Don't expect to change your spouse.
5. Don't be surprised if your spouse changes in ways you might not expect, or like. Life is change. Children bring changes.
6. Develop a personal spiritual life and share it. God makes a difference. A caring faith community makes a difference.
7. Early life experience dramatically influences our adult lives. Analyze and evaluate how you were parented.
8. To make your marriage happy, make yourself happy. Your happiness should not rely on someone else.
9. We do not fall in love for logical reasons, however:
the higher the income, the lower the divorce rate
the higher the educational level, the lower the divorce rate
the older the couple at marriage, the lower the divorce rate
10. Keep faith in each other. Be committed to your marriage.
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Are You An Extrovert or Introvert?
CIRCLE ONE - a or b
1. At a party, do you - a) interact with many, including strangers a
b) interact with few, those known to you b
2. At parties, do you - a) stay late, with increasing energy a
b) leave early with decreased energy b
3. In your social groups, do you - a)keep abreast of other's happenings a
b) get behind in the news b
4. In phoning, do you - a) rarely question that it will all be said a
b) rehearse what you will say b
5. In company, do you - a) initiate conversation a
b) wait to be approached b
6. Does new and non-routine interaction with others -
a) stimulate and energize you a
b) tax your reserves b
7. Do you prefer - a) many friends, with brief contact a
b) a few friends, with more lengthy contact b
8. Do you - a) speak easily and at length with strangers a
b) find little to say to strangers b
9. When the phone rings, do you - a) hasten to get to it first a
b) hope someone else will answer b
10. Are you more inclined to be - a) easy to approach a
b) somewhat reserve
ADD UP YOUR SCORE: a=______(MORE EXTROVERTED)
b=______(MORE INTROVERTED)
THIS IS HOW GOD MADE YOU. NEITHER PERSONALITY IS BETTER. EACH HAS STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES. UNDERSTANDING MORE ABOUT YOURSELF HELPS YOU TO ACCEPT THE WAY YOU FUNCTION BEST. LOVE WHO YOU ARE!
A small sample from Please Understand Me by David Keirsey/Marilyn Bates.
Read it and learn more about each other.
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Christmas Gifting - Beyond Consumerism
by Marilyn Krock
"Whose Birthday Is It Anyway?"
Even very young children understand the significance of birthdays - you get presents! Christmas confuses them because we try to instill in them the idea that it is a celebration of Jesus' birth. In Early Childhood programs we hold a birthday party, complete with birthday cake, for Jesus. We ask the children to bring canned food to be given to poor children as gifts to Jesus because loving each other is what Jesus wants us to do.
Giving gifts to one another at Christmas is how we express our love for each other. This should be a joy-filled activity, but too often gift giving is the biggest stress producer of the holiday season. Too much money is spent, adding guilt to the stress. Shopping takes time we don't have. Stores are crowded and sales clerks frazzled. Worry about whether or not the recipient will like what is chosen compounds the trouble.
Television bombards us for months ahead of time with commercials showing the joy of persons receiving wonderful gifts. Fighting this billion dollar business geared specifically at making us feel guilty if we don't spend, spend, spend, is very difficult, especially if we feel we are going it alone! We need to start a Christmas revolution, get back to basics, check our values!
Meditate on meeting Jesus at the mall, what do you think He would ask you to do this Christmas? "Feed my lambs. Tend my sheep." Give a gift of yourself to others. Move out of your comfort zone. Stretch your Christian spirit to encompass the homeless, the hungry, the hurting.
Children need now more than ever to be taught to look beyond their wants to care about others who might not have a Christmas at all. Look for ways your family can do something together that can make a difference. Many charities are looking for help, as well as warm clothes, toys and books, food, housewares, furniture, and bedding.
Last year, some friends "adopted" a needy family for Christmas through a local program. When they asked what the children wanted for Christmas, the responses were as simple as" a brand new box of crayons with all the colors", "binder paper so I don't have to borrow at school", and a "really new pair of tennis shoes." What an effective lesson for the whole family!
Simplify shopping by asking for a list of "reasonable" suggestions. Let children know they will not be receiving everything on the list. Give gifts of time - plan special outings rather than gifts. Give certificates for services or special times in the NEAR future! Put notes in Christmas cards to friends and relatives telling that money was donated to the poor in lieu of gifts.
BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS
Advent Already? Christmas Is Coming!
by Marilyn Krock
"Have a Happy Holiday with a Home Loan from Us!" This bank sign sent chills down my spine. Is that what Christmas has come to mean - mortgaging your home to give "things" to people you love? Did Jesus endure all He went through in sharing our humanity to be remembered and celebrated in this way?
During the next four weeks, we as Catholics have the opportunity to spend time in reflection and anticipation. Maybe we can start to slow down and enjoy the true wonder of the season, savoring traditions and sharing time with those we love. Time is the most precious gift of all!
December 6 is a perfect time to begin appreciating Christmas traditions. Do you know why? This is the feast day of St. Nicholas, patron saint of Russia and special protector of children! He really did exist and his spirit surrounds us at Christmas.
Nicholas lived in the fourth century (which won't mean much to young children). As the Bishop of Myra, he wore red clothes with white fur trim, and he loved children very much! Legend has it that he went around at night in secret helping the poor and leaving treats in the shoes of children. In many countries children leave their shoes out on December 5 to see if St. Nicholas will reward their good behavior with a treat, or leave only a switch if they have been naughty.
Eventually, as devotion to St. Nicholas spread throughout the world, his name was translated into many languages, becoming "Santa Claus." The image we currently hold dates back to Clement Clark Moore's poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas," written in 1822.
Maybe it's time we put Santa in his rightful place, before we start family traditions we might later regret. When children discover "the truth about Santa," it makes them wonder what else parents have deceived them about - the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, Jesus?
Believing in the Communion of Saints, can we truthfully say that St. Nicholas' spirit is with us as we prepare to celebrate Jesus birth by doing nice things for others? Does he help us find just the right gift? Does he inspire us to do good?
Advent wreaths are a wonderful way to help children understand visually how long they must wait for Christmas. Containing four candles, the wreath can be placed in the center of a table and each week one more candle is lit. Let the children participate each evening in the lighting ceremony, saying a short prayer or singing a Christmas carol, and blowing out the candle. Family members can all take turns being leaders.
As the Christmas season descends upon us, don't panic! Simplify! Take a good look at the things you traditionally do, make a list of these activities, then prioritize. What do you enjoy doing the most and really want to do? What can members of the family help you with? What activities can be eliminated? Social calendars get crazy at this time of year. Don't be afraid to turn down invitations to spend quality time with those who are closest to you.
Turn off the television a couple of nights a week as an "Advent sacrifice." Children love to help. Think of things they can succeed in doing and let them participate in the preparations. Baking cookies is special, but decorating them is the most fun. Buy prepared cookie dough to ease your load, or buy plain sugar cookies and let the children go at it with frosting mix and sprinkles. "It's the process not the product" that has real meaning and memories. Do a few at a time and freeze for later. Be sure to take pictures!
BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS
Holiday Excitement Adds Stress to Family Living
by Marilyn Spaw Krock
Holiday advertising is in full swing. Television commercials, radio jingles, enticing window displays combine to urge shoppers to rush, buy, and prepare! Prepare for what? Christmas Day? Have we left Christ out of our preparation?
As Catholics, it is important that we stop occasionally and ask ourselves what we are doing to prepare for Christmas, and why. What family memories and traditions do we want to build into our celebrations? What will our children remember twenty years from now about Christmas holidays at home?
Families with preschoolers face some real challenges during the hectic weeks before Christmas. All this excitement is NEW to them. They cannot fully comprehend what is going on, but they get caught up in the spirit of Christmas. What is imperative to remember during these tension filled days is the age and developmental levels of preschool children.
Suddenly a tree appears inside the house. It is covered with twinkling lights and glittering ornaments, begging to be touched. Beautifully wrapped presents sit beckoningly beneath the tree. What is a child to do? Investigate, of course! Some reminders about the characteristics typical of this age may help parents, and grandparents, adjust their expectations.
Time passes slowly for children who have no concept of yesterday, tomorrow, or next week. The sooner the tree goes up, the longer the temptation to touch and explore will exist. To young children, presents are to be opened IMMEDIATELY. If that's not the case, keep them out of sight. The tension created by prolonged waiting to open gifts is really unfair to preschoolers, especially twos and threes.
The concept that Christmas Day is THE day for opening gifts is incomprehensible to little ones. They do not understand. Opening a pile of presents at one sitting is overwhelming to most preschoolers. Spreading the receiving of gifts over a longer span of time allows time to appreciate and enjoy each gift separately. Remember young children are by nature possessive. Expecting them to share, new toys especially, is unrealistic.
Marathon shopping trips to the mall are probably the most stress producing activity to which you can subject preschoolers. Leave twos and threes home whenever possible. Trade shopping time/child care time with a friend. Fours and fives enjoy short trips to see the decorations, but decide how long they can last and leave before they reach "burnout."
Although adults think every child is anxious to "see Santa," the truth is that "seeing Santa" makes many young children anxious! Twos and threes are extremely hesitant about approaching a weird, bearded guy, wearing a bright red suit. Then you expect them to sit on this stranger's lap! Be understanding, their fear is real.
Fours and fives start to absorb cultural influences around them and really buy into the "Santa fantasy." Long wish lists let Santa know what they EXPECT to find under the tree on Christmas morning. Because fantasy and reality are intertwined, they will defend Santa's existence adamantly if confronted by a "non-believer."
Six year olds may be older, but their behavior should not be expected to reflect much more maturity, especially during the holidays. Research indicates that this is a period of extraordinary mood swings in children. They go from bubbling and happy to sullen and defiant in a matter of minutes.
Holiday pressures add another stress dimension. Sixes like being the center of attention, telling dumb jokes and giggling incessantly. They MUST win all games they play, or else - watch out! They are not eager to share possessions, and brag about their items being the absolute BEST. Relax, it is part of their age!
Remember, young children ARE young! When their behavior
does not match your expectations, and you are tempted to say, "ACT
YOUR AGE," they probably are! Ask Mary and Joseph for help, they went
through these developmental stages with Jesus. He was human! That is what
Christmas is all about!
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