Parenting Handouts

Within religious education, morality is regarded as the ability to know what is loving and unloving, then freely choosing between the two. Research studies indicate that children learn their family values early in life, and they can begin to make moral judgments as early as three years of age. Such judgments in young children are based on expected consequences. By the time they reach school age, however, children start to take into account intentions, as well as consequences.

Family relationships are repeatedly cited in studies as the most important influence in children's development of values. What the family SAYS it values does not influence the child as much as how they BEHAVE and INTERACT with one another. Responsibility for teaching a sense of right and wrong rests with families, it cannot be taught in school or religious education classes.

Some guidelines for helping children develop the ability to make moral decisions as they continually mature include: teaching children what a rule is - action and consequence; giving examples of rules so children can learn to make rules for themselves; implementing some basic rules that MUST be followed, such as safety rules, giving simple, reasoned justification; letting children know that rules are not absolutes, but can be discussed and revised as circumstances change.

As children are developing moral awareness, faith formation should be taking place. During the preschool years youngsters' minds are open and eager to learn and appreciate everything around them. Religious instruction should not impose artificial and irrelevant ideas on young children. Vocabulary should be within the realm of the child's experience.

Belief in God needs to be an emotional, not intellectual, experience. Preschoolers have a natural sensitivity to things spiritual, openly seeking love, acceptance, and God. If this sensitivity is ignored or ridiculed, it can be destroyed. If nurtured, it lays the foundation for deeper faith development in the future.

John Powell, in The Christian Vision, states that "we are challenged to come alive in our senses to the sights and the sounds, the heat and the coldness, the height and the depths, the noise and the silence of God's vast world."

If this is true for us, as adults, how much more true it is for young children. As their awareness of the world around them expands, we can easily guide preschoolers to appreciate God as Creator and Giver of these wondrous gifts. Their religious experiences, however, need to be concrete and sensate.

In the National Catechetical Directory, published by the Catholic bishops of the United States in 1977, parishes were asked to provide parents with instruction on the physical, as well as the spiritual, development of children. "Family life needs to be strengthened so children will derive their values from home." Catechetical programs for preschoolers were recommended to provide young children with an experience of faith community in small group settings where they would be allowed to develop a sense of wonder, celebration, and spontaneous prayer.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #28

Keeping Romance Alive After Children Arrive

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

This is probably THE MOST CRUCIAL "parenting" issue of all. The security children receive from being raised in homes where parents deeply love one another cannot be equaled.

Unfortunately, today's culture emphasizes the "feeling" of being in love and the sexual aspects of a relationship more than God's call for a truly dedicated commitment on the part of a couple, especially when they "beget" new life. Feelings change, but true love is a daily, hourly, minute by minute, process of making decisions that strengthen the marriage commitment.

Following are a few of the suggestions to help deepen and enrich the relationship of marriage. When the pressures of "parenting" seem too overwhelming, a couple need to find comfort and solace in each other's embrace.

R stands for the religious faith crucial to a strong marriage, knowing that God is in this relationship with you. Grace is active every day of your marriage, not just on your wedding day. Pray together; worship together; make time for spiritual enrichment through reading, attending seminars, going on retreats.

O refers to openness in communicating needs and ideas. Reading each other's mind is a talent most people lack. Misjudging is a mistake most people make. Another type of openness is being flexible, open to change and growth within the relationship. People who do not change and grow simply stagnate.

M is a very important factor - money management. More marital disputes erupt over finances than any other cause. Working together, setting goals, learning to budget and plan, simplifying your life style, ignoring society's "easy credit" mentality are skills that allow freedom to concentrate on other issues.

A refers to the intrinsic importance of affection for romance in marriage. Physical expressions of affection and sexual intimacy are key ingredients to a satisfying relationship. Children need to see their parents expressing affection for one another. However, sexual spontaneity with children around takes effort and planning!

N adds zest to a relationship - nonsense. Be playful! Do the unexpected! Take time to re-create! Try something new! Mail each other love notes. Tuck messages into briefcases or lunch boxes. Wrap and hide silly gifts!

C means you are married to your best friend - companionship. Sharing dreams; working together to achieve goals; dividing responsibilities (not 50/50, but 70/30, 10/90, depending on a spouse's need at the time); respecting, trusting, and enjoying each other; these are building blocks for an enduring marriage.

E helps get you over the rough spots - excuse each other's faults and shortcomings. Do some work on conflict resolution skills. Learn the art of negotiation to resolve differences. Being human, we are all imperfect. Accept differences as an opportunity from God to stretch out of your comfort zone, and perhaps even grow. Resolve that being married is more important to you than being right!

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #29

Loving Child's Mother Is Father's Most Important Job

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

"The most important possession a child has is a set of happy, well-adjusted parents who love each other and live happily with each other in a mutually fulfilling marriage," states pediatrician Wilson Wayne Grant, M.D., in The Caring Father.

Research indicates that the most emotionally and psychologically healthy adults are those who grew up in a loving home with both parents. While this ideal situation once seemed the norm, today's American culture indicates that this in an "old-fashioned" concept, left over from the 1950's sitcoms.

Often, when I watch my husband interacting with our three children, I get teary-eyed in gratitude to God that our children have enjoyed such a rich experience of a father's love. Parents are "God-with-skin-on" to their children. Our children, hopefully, see God as loving, caring, just, and forgiving. My father died when I was nine. There is an empty spot within me that will never be filled.

Being a father is much more than supplying the sperm from which a child develops. Anyone with the necessary biological equipment can "make" a baby. Being a parent takes love, care, time, (money), and lots of patience. God planned for a female and a male to create a new life. "The two shall become one flesh (Gen.2, 24)." That "one flesh" they become is the child they create. The roles of mother and father are designed to be complementary, equal in value and worth.

Father deprivation exists in families of all backgrounds. Physical absence is not the only loss children suffer. Inaccessibility can also be emotional. Many factors can cause fathers to not be present to their children. More than a body needs to be

present, the mind must be turned on and tuned in to the needs of children.

Since the greatest gift to children is the happy, vibrant marriage of their parents, couples need to invest time and energy in their relationship. While family fun times are essential, so too are "couple time" outings. If possible, establish a monthly "date night" for the two of you. Spend relaxed time discovering more about each other.

Communication between couples must be open and honest. Parents need to be able to discuss matters and develop a united front. If mother and father are not in agreement over how to handle a situation, children will capitalize on the disparity.

Often we resort to techniques our parents used, even though we swore we would NEVER do things that way! Parents need to talk to each other about how they were parented, sorting out the "good" and "bad." Effort must be consciously made to avoid using inappropriate, or ineffective, methods.

The unitive aspect of sexual intimacy should be given proper priority, also. Pressures of work and parenting may leave couples exhausted. With creative planning and ingenuity the spark that originally brought husband and wife together can be kept glowing. Even after the children are grown, vibrant relationships that are nurtured will carry couples through their "golden years"!

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #30

God Has Created Us As Families

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

This is a prayer we have said as a family for many years. We did it as an echo prayer (one line at a time) until our children could recite the entire prayer. When friends and relatives join us we still do it as an echo prayer. (Bold lines are the prayer)

God our Father has made us a family. Family is the building block of society. Healthy families make a healthy society. The concept of family is fundamental to God's design for us. In Christ we become God's family.

As members of one another, I need you and you need me. The feeling of being needed enhances self-esteem. Children need to feel needed.

I love you and you love me. Unconditional love more than anything else helps children see themselves as special and valuable creations of God. It means persons are loved for themselves, not what they contribute to a relationship. God loves us unconditionally. We should experience that kind of love in a family setting.

I forgive you and you forgive me. "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those..." God calls us to be as forgiving of others as God is of us. Model with your own life proper responses to doing wrong and feeling guilty. If a child observes and confronts you with a wrongdoing, admit the failing and ask for forgiveness. Use this as a teachable moment. Let the child witness your repentance.

We work together and we play together. Chores, children, and character go together. Chores are the most effective way of teaching accountability and responsibility. Home should be the place for learning skills that accomplish genuine work. Competence builds self-confidence. Then go out and have some fun together!

We listen to God's Word and make it our own together. Traditions are the threads from which our most treasured memories are woven; they make a significant difference in our lives by creating and reinforcing emotional security in the home. Attend Church together, pray together, read Scripture and religious stories together. Establish religious traditions during various holiday times.

Together we reach out to others and share with them our oneness. Encourage children to be of service to family members, friends, and their community. Work together as a family on a service project. Volunteering for less desirable tasks at home or school helps counterbalance the emphasis on competition that exists.

Together we hope to rise and enjoy eternal new life. Death is a very important concept for children to understand. We must be careful of their developmental level, however, when we are explaining our adult belief in eternal life. For young, concrete thinkers, heaven, angels, and even God, are concepts way beyond their reasoning power: avoid: "gone to sleep," "God/angels took," or "went to a better place." Accept children's feelings; allow them to discuss how they feel.

This is our faith, our hope, our way of life as a family. What will it take to give your child a mature and passionate love of God? God asks parents to be responsible for communicating true spiritual values to their children. What are you modeling on the stage of family life? Maybe parents need some spiritual nurturing?

May the Spirit within us draw us closer together until we are one in the Lord. AMEN.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #31

Helping Children Understand Life Cycles

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

The reason we spend so much time with young children examining the wonders of nature, is to help them appreciate God's plan for the world and for all living things. Being concrete thinkers, young children really only understand that which they experience with their senses. They do not have the capacity for abstract thinking. That ability develops slowly as they mature.

In taking time to notice the cycles of nature, a foundation can be laid for future understanding of religious beliefs. Young children have a difficult time understanding death. Life after death is impossible to explain to them. Having experienced natural phenomena (such as a dead-looking tree sprouting leaves in spring, a bird hatching from an egg, a beautiful butterfly emerging from a "lifeless" cocoon, a flower growing from a bulb), when they do master abstract thinking, "new life" and "eternal life" will have deeper meaning.

Death means the end of life on earth as a child knows it. When a person dies, they are no more. It seems simple enough, but adults often want to soften the reality by using metaphors. Death is irreversible. If an explanation states a person "went away" it implies they went by choice and can return. Saying "went to a better place" can lead a young child to feel that the deceased person found a place better than being with the child. If the child was deeply attached to the deceased, it can create a very deep hurt. Likewise, trying to explain Heaven is futile since even adults can't comprehend the reality of eternal life. It is too abstract! In our adult faith, we believe that after death we will enjoy God's presence eternally. It gives us consolation in our grief at the loss of loved ones. Telling a young child that God or the angels "took" the person away tends to make God a "bad guy" who took away the beloved. Some adults still harbor resentment toward God for losses they have suffered. Saying the person "went to sleep" sounds reversible, when will the person "wake up"? This can, also, contribute to sleep disturbances in young children by making them fearful of sleep; they not be able to awaken.

Remember that children experience grief as much as adults. Their reactions are just as uncontrollable and can result in a variety of disturbances, such as regression, tantrums, misbehavior, attention seeking. Adults in the child's life need to respond with love and understanding which is often difficult when they themselves are deeply enmeshed in the grieving process. Don't shut them out, they need your love.

Although dealing with death is difficult, one of the best ways to prepare a child to accept the life experience of losing a person they love, is to allow them to really experience the death of a pet. Allow a natural grieving process to take place when the child can reconcile to the death and adjust. These experiences are part of growing and learning. Later, when the child is ready, a new pet can be selected.

One of the best children's books on this subject is Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen (Bantam Books, ISBN#0-553-34023-9). Although it is a secular book, it deals in concrete reality that children can understand. Get it now, read it often - before it's needed!

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #32

Handling the Stress of Divorce

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

Divorce/separation is the second most stressful situation a child must handle. What can concerned adults do to help children survive the stress and minimize psychological problems? First, recognize that both the adults and children involved in the situation will undergo a grieving process similar to that following a death. Be aware that the symptoms of grieving are a natural, progressive way for human nature to handle trauma. This is part of God's plan. Phase one includes feelings of numbness, disbelief, denial, unreality, and crying. Phase two moves into anger, insomnia, sadness, loss of appetite, fatigue, guilt, dreams, introversion, and a general lack of pleasure in living. Phase three is the resolution phase when a person can move on with their life and form new relationships.

Because young children see themselves as the center of the universe, they often feel responsible for the breakup of the marriage and carry an inordinate amount of guilt on their young shoulders for being "bad." Their "magical thinking" can lead them to believe that a wish made in a fit of anger has caused a parent to leave.

Self-blame can be worsened at this time if parents withdraw from the child due to their own grieving process. Such withdrawal decreases the child's sense of security and diminishes their self-esteem.

Children's grieving is manifested in differing ways depending on their age. Under three years of age, children may exhibit regression in previously proficient skills, sleep and appetite problems, withdrawal, and irritability. Children between three and six years of age may also suffer from nightmares, tantrums, hyperactivity, soiling, wetting, constipation, crying, and general "out of control" behavior. School age children have learned more self-control, but remember that grieving is a natural and uncontrollable phenomenon. School performance may decrease, headache and abdominal pain may occur, fatigue and crying spells may be pronounced. In some cases lying and stealing can become a problem as children seek attention.

These manifestations are out of the child's control. Do not hold the child responsible. Try to be understanding. Let them express feelings of anger or sadness, do not demand repression of feelings. The more openly they can express themselves, the more quickly healing can take place. Be honest with children. Children's imaginations fill in "facts" that are missing. Don't promise reconciliation, it raises false hopes. Assure children that BOTH parents love them, and God loves everyone.

For most young children, healing after a divorce takes at least one year. The best long term predictor of good adjustment is that both parents show the children love. One of the most harmful situations is one parent trying to weaken the children's relationship with the other parent. Although it may be difficult, for the good of the children, parents need to cooperate in showing love and support during this time.

Do not try to force children to "open up." Be available, non-judgemental, and listen with love. Don't tell them how they "should" feel. Share with them how you feel so they know it is acceptable to be hurt, sad, and angry. Hugs, kisses, and physical contact reassure a child that they are loved. Making time to be together lets them know they are still important. Pray together for healing the hurts.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #33

Sharing: A Difficult Lesson for All to Learn

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

A major cause of children's conflicts results from possession of objects, especially toys. One child has what another child wants. When social skills are slowly being acquired, and patience is not yet a very strong virtue, physical force is often used to force "sharing."

One particularly memorable concept regarding teaching children to share which was discussed in Early Violence Prevention, published by the National Association for the Education of Young Children, draws awareness to the double standard adults have on the subject.

While trivializing children's rights to sole possession of goods, adults most often are intensely serious about their right to have sole possession of their things. How often do we parents go into a tirade because children have used something of ours? Yet we are constantly expecting children to share their very precious belongings.

Sharing is a bigger issue than "being nice" or "not being nice." Sharing and working cooperatively are skills that can help bring peace and prosperity to the whole world. Ultimately, sharing takes on the aspect of social justice, but children only slowly evolve into such a concept through developmental stages and with careful nurturing.

At the age of three, children are very egocentric, concerned primarily with their needs and feelings. Pleasing adults and gaining approval influences behavior. As they approach four and five years of age, they become more aware of the power of other children and start to be concerned with self-protection. At this age they can learn to be either the aggressor or the victim.

By age six, children become concerned with equality. They want everything to be exactly equal, with no perception of merit. Around seven years of age children begin to realize that people may be more or less deserving than others. Not until eight years or older do children form concepts of "moral relativity" when recognition occurs that others have their own valid points of view. As this ability begins to develop, more complicated skills of negotiation and compromise can be taught.

So, what can adults do in the early years to lay a foundation for future altruism? First, de-empasize possessions. In our very materialistic and consumer oriented society this can be difficult. Often we are judged by "what we have" not by "who we are." I have always hated the bumper sticker which says "He who dies with the most toys wins!" I much prefer the one I saw recently which stated, "He who dies with the most toys - still dies!" Children will catch the values which they see the significant adults in their lives living out in their actions.

Voluntary and cooperative sharing should be encouraged - not sharing that is forced upon children by adult power. A child's right to choose not to share should be respected. Often in respecting and validating that right, the child decides to voluntarily share. Acknowledging voluntary sharing and turn taking gives young children affirmation and encouragement to repeat the desired behavior. Commenting on how nicely children play together , share, or work as a team goes further than lectures.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #34

Improving Cooperation Decreases Violence

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

"Relative to many other cultures, we in the United States have placed a strong emphasis on individual achievements, and individual rights, rather than on group goals, social cooperation, and the common good." The challenge issued in Early Violence Prevention, a book published by the National Association for the Education of Young Children, is to bring a stronger emphasis on cooperation into young children's lives.

In the early years when values and psychological patterns are established, it becomes vital that they develop the ability to work cooperatively and learn to view situations from others' perspectives. These traits do not occur naturally, they must be nurtured and modeled repeatedly.

Cooperative behavior is usually self-rewarding because such play is more fun. Bringing to children's attention the value of working and playing together encourages this behavior. Discouraging aggressive behavior must, therefore, occur through use of consequences. Young children prefer positive attention to negative attention, but will settle for whatever kind of behavior gets them attention.

Perhaps the best method for handling aggressive behavior is to separate the parties involved without giving undue attention to either the aggressor or victim. State the rules against hurting others (physically or verbally). When the children are calm, bring them back together to talk about how each party felt. Help them negotiate a nonviolent solution to the conflict, focusing on problem solving, not the aggressive incident.

Competition is the enemy of cooperation. Unfortunately, in Western society competition is the rule, not the exception. Genuinely cooperative games with no losers are extremely rare. While competition may be unavoidable, the danger lies in the extremes to which some people go to win - cheating, violence, and hostility toward the opponent.

"One of the first ways that young children all over the world learn about the social values and behavioral expectations of their culture is through the types of games they themselves play, the games they observe older children and adults playing, and the way these games are played."

Think about the lessons young children learn while watching as spectators at sporting events! Frightening? What about the pressure put on young children to not only participate in organized, competitive sports early, but to succeed and excel! Is it any wonder so many children drop out of participation in sports or suffer long-term psychological damage?

The authors of this study believe that "if we start young children off with a solid foundation of experience in cooperative games they may later have a better chance of engaging in competition with good sportsmanship and with some perspective on the relative importance of winning."

An excellent source of material that promotes cooperation and nonviolence is Alternative, P.O. Box 2857, Sioux City, IA 51106, (800) 821-6153. Ask for a catalog.

Books: New Games for the Whole Family & Cooperative Sports and Games Book.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #35

Good Social Skills Improve Behavior

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

"Children with well-developed problem-solving skills are less likely to resort to aggression to solve their social conflicts." With this premise, Early Violence Prevention, published by the National Association for the Education of Young Children goes on to explorethe how-to of improving young children's social skills.

Much aggressive behavior results from the frustration of not knowing how to handle conflict situations when the needs of the two parties involved are in opposition. The learning of these skills in the early years is essential to healthy development.

Imagine how much more peaceful family life could be if those skills were nurtured in homes. Imagine how much improved homes, workplaces, and the world would be if adults learned, practiced, and modeled such skills. Of such is the kingdom of God!

Research has found that children with strong social skills behave more positively with others, are more friendly and helpful, have fewer conflicts and aggressive behavior. Exhibiting such skills seems to also prevent these children from becoming victims of aggression or social rejection.

Unfortunately children with poor social skills react to conflict with aggression. Children with good social skills reject this kind of acting out. Thus the rejected child has less opportunity to learn the much needed skills from appropriate role models.

Several skills were cited in the book as key to developing positive problem-solving strategies. Keep in mind that skills must be viewed as developmentally appropriate. However, children learn more from observing than listening to lectures, so implement these skills in your daily living. Model the behaviors you wish imitated.

Keep calm! Tell yourself "STOP," take a few deep breaths, count to ten (on your fingers if you are young), and try to not lose your cool! Then, listen attentively to what the other person is saying, find out what their need is. Once you understand the problem and circumstances, try to come up with several solutions. Evaluate the options and come to a compromise.

Many preschools are teaching problem-solving skills through the use of stories,skits, puppets, and role-playing before the children are actively engaged in a conflict. Results are astonishingly effective. Understanding that God has gifted everyone with strong feelings, while learning ways to control actions, helps children anticipate and prepare for situations that will arise.

Finally, when children come up with possible solutions to a problem, they need to look realistically at the consequences. Violent solutions are harmful. Too often in our society violence is portrayed as an acceptable solution, and the harmful effects of such actions are minimized or not even depicted (funerals, mourning families, fatherless children). Violence is depicted as heroic, manly, and even humorous. Use the popular approach - WWJD - "What Would Jesus Do?" in talking to children.

Families at home can use similar teaching techniques by playing "What if..." games with children. Let them come up with solutions, then discuss consequences. Use themes from television shows viewed together, finding alternative ways of handling problems. Helping children learn positive social skills is one key to a successful future, and it builds a more peaceful Kingdom of love.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #36

Television: A Primary Educator of Children

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

At the recent conference, my pediatrician husband and I did a presentation entitled, "Happy, Healthy Families Don't Just Happen!" We emphasized the importance of making TIME to build family relationships. Young parents wonder where they can find that TIME.

One suggestion is making time by controlling television time in family life. Having a television set on for background noise can distract. The mesmerizing effect of sitting through one show after another can make valuable time pass too quickly. Adults, as well as children, need the warmth of interpersonal relationships.

Often parents are not anxious to hear scientific evidence about the hazards of too much, or improper, television viewing. Controlling the influence is hard work, but necessary work for the development of healthy families.

Television can be a window on the world. We visit places and people that we may never see in person. We are exposed to cultures, careers, the fine arts, and world events. The world has become more intimate; we are all part of God's family!

Families can spend enjoyable time together sharing entertainment; discussing plots, outcomes, and values; developing common interests; improving communication skills. Danger arises from overuse of television and insufficient supervision of the programs being viewed. Attention must be paid to the age of the viewers.

Violence on television remains one of the major problems. Children who are "heavy" viewers of action and cartoon shows exhibit more aggressive behavior, are less cooperative, have poor interpersonal relationships, and are less happy than "light" viewers. Reading skills and oral communication skills are declining.

"Average" viewing time for children is thought to be about 20 hours per week. "Heavy" viewers not only means amount of time spent viewing, also they tend to be heavier in weight proportionate to amount of time spent watching television. This finding reflects the passivity of viewing as opposed to being involved in physical activities. A correlation exists between the number of commercials viewed and the strength of desire to "consume" the goods advertised, predominantly junk foods.

A difficult fact for ALL of us to understand is that the show is created for the sole purpose of drawing an audience to watch the commercials. Helping children become critical viewers of commercials assists them in seeing beyond the "glitz" of advertising. Analyzing the effects of music, jingles, lighting, and photography techniques gives them a clearer picture of reality. Turn off the sound - see the difference!

Children are the target of elaborate market research because advertisers know that although they have a small amount of money to spend, they are strong influences on family members who have more money; plus, they are the consumers of the future - train them from the early years to want everything they see!

T-L-C can help you gain control of television. TALK with your children about what to watch, then discuss the program. LOOK at the show with your child, limit the amount of time. CHOOSE shows carefully - plan ahead, chart the week on Sunday.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #37

Halloween - A Time to Develop Imagination

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

Witches, ghosts, and monsters abound! What a scary time of the year! Something spine-tingling excites imaginations at the sights and sounds of Halloween! Should children be encouraged to celebrate this holiday? Some people feel the celebration has Satanic overtones and should be discouraged. A more important concern for adults dealing with young children is whether the children can handle the emotions Halloween evokes. Remember that during early childhood years children have difficulty differentiating reality and fantasy.

Through dressing in costumes, a favorite activity in preschools, children learn by "role playing." On Halloween children's imaginations can soar! Adults like to don costumes, too. Become somebody else for a while! Let go and have fun!

Tracing the history of the celebration of Halloween might ease fears about a Satanic nature. Edna Barth gives an excellent explanation in her book Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols.

Because American traditions have been influenced by a wide variety of cultures, America should be considered a "salad-bowl" not a "melting-pot." Each culture contributes a unique flavor to the overall product, not a homogeneous mass.

Strong influences on Halloween traditions came from the Celtic people who lived in the areas around France and the British Isles long before the time of Christ. Samhain, their grandest celebration of the year, held on November 1, celebrated harvest time, as well as the beginning of a new year. On the night before the festival, it was believed that the spirits of the dead roamed the land. Homage was paid to the Lord of the Dead, as well as to the sun god Baal, to insure a bountiful new year.

As Christianity flourished, older religions' traditions were considered "pagan" and celebration of them forbidden. Christian traditions replaced previously celebrated occasions in the lives of the people. All Saints' Day (All Hallows), honoring those Christians who died for their faith, was moved from May to November 1. The evening before became Hallows-even', eventually Halloween.

Common people lived hard lives and loved chances for celebration. Traditions of the past were difficult to surrender. Belief in the spirits of the dead walking the land on Halloween led people to put on hideous masks to scare away evil spirits. Dressing in costumes could "fool" evil spirits; they could not find you to do you harm.

In England and Wales, children went door to door, carrying lighted candles inside hollowed out turnips to represent glowing ghosts. Begging for coins, candles, or "soul cakes," they promised in exchange to pray for the dead. When colonists came to America, they discovered pumpkins made much better "Jack-O-Lanterns." Going door-to-door evolved into the current tradition of "Trick-or-Treat."

Allow children to enjoy this holiday and exercise their imaginations by becoming superheroes, cartoon characters, or whatever THEY choose. Chances are they will wear the costume for weeks, especially if there is a cape! Be understanding when they cower in fear of other persons in costumes. The monster is REAL! Assure them that it is all right to feel afraid. God gives us our emotions, they are good!

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #38

Thanksgiving Day Focus - God or Football?

by Marilyn Krock

As one of the few nations in the world that sets aside an entire day to give thanks to God for the many blessings bestowed on our nation, perhaps it is time to take the day seriously and check our focus.

What are you looking forward to most about the day? A day off work? Getting all the family together? Traditions that have been handed down? Cooking for days? Football and beer? Holding up the big meal until "half-time"? Is God anywhere in the picture?

Children have always been told the story of pilgrims surviving their first winter in America with the help of the Native Americans who lived near them. Sharing the autumn harvest together was their way of thanking God for their survival and this new land of promise where they could enjoy religious freedom and economic opportunity.

In light of history, Native Americans probably wish they hadn't been so helpful, although it would not have stopped immigration. Currently in education, the focus is being taken off the pilgrim and Indian story and being redirected to appreciation of the world we live in and caring for our world. As Catholics, we have an even deeper focus - Thanking God!

Ask some young children what Thanksgiving Day means to them. The answers are guaranteed to amuse. Who are we thanking? What are we saying thank you for? Hopefully, some will mention God. This holiday is a "teachable moment" with children. It is a chance for you to practice a little "God-talk" and not be embarrassed!

Realizing the importance of football to American life, I hesitate to suggest that the television be shut off during mealtime (tape it!), but the most important part of the celebration is sharing the meal together. Maybe even taking time to say a blessing before beginning the "feast." Introduce a new concept this year - spontaneous prayer ! Scare everybody to death by asking each person to name, out loud, one thing they want to thank God for on this special day!

Teaching children to share is a quality that needs nurturing from very early in life. Appreciation for God's blessings doesn't come naturally. It isn't "taught" as much as "caught" from the spirit of the family in which they live. Use this holiday to help develop children's spirituality. Simplify your meal to feed others. Share your blessings with the poor this holiday season.

Plan ahead! Do some familiy activities. Get poster board or shelf paper and let the children make a "Thank You God" banner. The whole family can draw pictures of things they are thankful for, or cut and paste magazine pictures and family photos. Hang it proudly for all to see on Thanksgiving Day. Let the children make centerpieces with collected leaves, cones, flowers, and maybe even a big, fat candle.

Making corn muffins from a mix is easy for little ones and they will be so proud! Put a small carton of heavy whipping cream in a plastic jar with a secure lid and have everyone share shaking it until it turns to butter for the muffins! Trust me, it will work! Just keep shaking! Children (even adults) think it is a real miracle! Involve the children as much as possible, then it becomes THEIR celebration, too.

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BUILDING FAITH FOUNDATIONS #39

Advent Already? Christmas Is Coming!

by Marilyn Spaw Krock

"Have a Happy Holiday with a Home Loan from Us!" This bank sign sent chills down my spine. Is that what Christmas has come to mean - mortgaging your home to give "things" to people you love? Did Jesus endure all He went through in sharing our humanity to be remembered and celebrated in this way?

During the next four weeks, we as Catholics have the opportunity to spend time in reflection and anticipation. Maybe we can start to slow down and enjoy the true wonder of the season, savoring traditions and sharing time with those we love. Time is the most precious gift of all!

December 6 is a perfect time to begin appreciating Christmas traditions. Do you know why? This is the feast day of St. Nicholas, patron saint of Russia and special protector of children! He really did exist and his spirit surrounds us at Christmas. Believing in the Communion of Saints, can we truthfully say that St. Nicholas' spirit is with us as we prepare to celebrate Jesus birth by doing nice things for others?

Nicholas lived in the fourth century. As the Bishop of Myra, he wore red clothes with white fur trim, and he loved children very much! Legend has it that he went around at night in secret helping the poor and leaving treats in the shoes of children. In many countries children leave their shoes out on December 5 to see if St. Nicholas will reward their good behavior with a treat, or leave only a switch if they have been naughty. Eventually, as devotion to St. Nicholas spread throughout the world, his name was translated into many languages, becoming "Santa Claus." The image we currently hold dates back to Clement Clark Moore's poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas," written in 1822.

Advent wreaths are a wonderful way to help children understand visually how long they must wait for Christmas. Containing four candles, the wreath can be placed in the center of a table and each week one more candle is lit. Let the children participate each evening in the lighting ceremony, saying a short prayer before diner, singing a Christmas carol and blowing out the candle after dinner. Family members can all take turns being leaders.

As the Christmas season descends upon us, don't panic! Simplify! Take a good look at the things you traditionally do, make a list of these activities, then prioritize. What do you enjoy doing the most and really want to do? What can members of the family help you with? What activities can be eliminated? Social calendars get crazy at this time of year. Don't be afraid to turn down invitations in order to spend quality time with those who are closest to you.

Turn off the television a couple of nights a week as an "Advent sacrifice." Children love to help. Think of things they can succeed in doing and let them participate in the preparations. Baking cookies is special, but decorating them is the most fun. Buy prepared cookie dough to ease your load, or buy plain sugar cookies and let the children go at it with frosting mix and sprinkles. "It's the process not the product" that has real meaning and memories. Be sure to take pictures!

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